By Colleen Langenfeld

Dealing with argumentative children is like being on a roller coaster that never stops - and one where you can't see what's coming around the corner! But from the child's perspective, the picture looks very different. That is an important clue to think about if you are looking to guide your own child's behavior.

Everyone wants to know how to handle argumentative children, but a better question is how to interact more effectively with them. Even though it may appear so, most of the time these children are not arguing simply for the sake of arguing - or worse yet, for the sake of causing trouble.

From their perspective, they have a lot to say. Their brains are often racing and they may feel a strong need to "get everything out now". This contributes to their common habit of interrupting conversations. Just this habit alone is enough to drive most parents' crazy! But if you only deal with the issue of interrupting in your argumentative child, are you missing an opportunity to do more?

Learning how to deal with argumentative children needs to start with understanding what payoff the child is currently receiving by constantly arguing. Once that is identified, a parent has a legitimate opportunity to offer a better payoff that just might be worth more to their child.

Let's try an example.

Impulsively, a child may argue constantly because he feels no one is really hearing him. He talks, people nod their heads and respond, but their comments may not be satisfying to the child. So he keeps talking, right over the top of everyone, waiting for those satisfying responses (which, unfortunately, he might not even be able to identify if he received them).

With this type of interaction, people around this child react impatiently and understandably so. Over time, habits are built up and pretty soon no one IS actually listening very much to this child.

And his frustration grows. Exponentially.

What if we unpacked this scenario differently? What if this child was able to sit down, one-on-one, on a regular basis with adults he cares about and given some serious listening time? What if information was gently and patiently reflected back to him so that he knows someone is listening, and listening intently? What if he learns someone IS hearing him? Obviously this will take practice but we practice everything else in life, why not the art of conversation?

Obviously, this will not solve all arguing overnight. However, knowing he is being heard and validated just might be a much more powerful payoff than hijacking conversations that didn't end well anyway.
And with a positive payoff in place, the argumentative child has a reason to work with a parent who is trying to train him in some social graces instead of fighting against instruction constantly.

It's not a panacea, but it can be a step in the right direction. Add generous daily hugs and much laughter to counteract the tendency towards negativity in dealing with the argumentative child and you might find your household moving towards a more peaceful home life.