A very nice mother, who brought her 20-month-old, who said very few words, to my office for therapy, said "no" or "don't" at least once a minute during our 1 hour session. Hearing this word so often put it very high in the child's awareness and vocabulary. She was troubled by his negative behavior and frequent use of the word "no". After I showed her some alternatives to saying the word "no", she could see the benefits.
If you want to hear your child say "no" or "don't" to you and to others less often, the first step is to notice how often you say "no" or "don't" to your child. We must realize what important models we parents are to our children. It should come as no surprise that children copy our negative speech and occasional "bad words" as much as or more than our positive speech and "good words".
It's a good idea to stop and take note of your current way of talking. Keep a sticky note handy-or use another method-to tally every use of the words "no" and "don't" throughout one full day. You might also want to take note of any negative commands such as "stop that" or "cut that out".
If it is 0-5 times, that's probably a good number. Bravo!
If 5-10 times, it's borderline too often.
If 10+ times, it's too often.
If you are saying these negative words too often, you may need to remove some items that you don't want to have handled, to set and reinforce new rules for behavior, or to have more fun and take the focus off of what you don't want your child to do. Use distraction and keep things more upbeat.
Here are some examples:
Situation: The child is standing on something he shouldn't.
Negative reaction: "No-Don't stand on the table! Get off!"
Positive guidance: [Take your child's hand] "1-2-3-jump off! Here's a stool. You may jump off of the stool. (Help him do it) 1-2-3 jump! Yay!" [If your child goes back to the table, prevent him from climbing up on it and make a matter-of-fact comment like, "We eat on the table. You may jump off of the stool." If your child persists, then lead your child to another space to interrupt this cycle.
Situation: The child is throwing things.
Negative reaction: "No! Stop that! Don't throw!"
Positive guidance: "Here's a box to throw into." [This alternative directs the child's action to something productive. If your child is throwing things just to be wild or aimless, get your child involved in something else and remove the items being thrown. Again, break the cycle and introduce something new and acceptable. Change the scenery, if needed, such as by going outside.]
Situation: The child is pulling on a sibling's toy.
Negative reaction: "No! Don't take her toy!"
Positive guidance: "Bella is playing with the ___ right now. Tell her, 'I want to play with the ___.'" You may want to reflect your child's feelings, such as by saying, "You want the ___, but Bella is playing with it right now. You may have it later. You might like to play with ___ or ___ while you are waiting." If the child acts out, prevent any physical actions, and remove the child from the situation.
If your child is younger than the age of understanding such language, prevent your child from grabbing the toy away. Provide a replacement. Or, say fewer words, such as, "Bella has the ___ now. You can have it soon," or "First Bella has the ___, then you can have the ___."
If your child gets mad and rejects the replacement and/or throws a tantrum, deal with it in a beneficial way of handling tantrums. That's the subject of a whole other book! In brief, I suggest that you say little to nothing and remove the child from the room. Take your child to whatever safe space you use for "time out" or alone time to recover without getting attention from you or anyone else.
November is a good month to notice how often you say "no" to your child. There are lots of diversions in December seeing holiday decorations, baking cookies, going places, and generally being in an upbeat spirit. Focus on the fun things of life in December, and then carry your new focus into the New Year!
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